My beautiful Rufus. I have loved you so much. But you always loved me more. You had the biggest heart and somehow decided to give it all to me. I do not know what kind of people you had known before I found you as a kitten in Paris but I knew the second I met you and you stretched out your little arms for me to pick you up that you were absolutely meant to be mine. 

You were always with me, my best friend and so many times my only friend. you didn't have to do very much, just one of your favorite headbuts and the whole world was better. I miss turning off the light at night and holding by breath for those 3 seconds before, inevitably, you'd jump up and snuggle in with me. I miss you sleeping on my head. I miss giving you your soft "Brexit" in the morning:) I miss coming home from work and hearing you already miaowing behind the door. I miss how happy you always were to see me. Always. I miss just sitting and watching tv with you, both of us falling asleep watching Audrey Hepburn movies till 4 in the morning. I miss you sneaking up on the table and licking our plates clean. I miss cooking together, with you eating the cat pieces. I miss your tiny little "me" when you were hoping for a piece of steak or chicken. Or salmon. You loved salmon so much. And sushi. We never got the street cat out of you and you were always making the most out of your chances to steal food from everyone. 

When we had to leave Paris I took you on an 8 hour journey on the train and you sat in first class with a nice elderly couple and drank condensed milk from the trolley. When we moved to England you were so brave in the back of the car for 17 hours, as long as you didn't have to be inside your cat bag. You hated that cat bag. At passport control you were the only cool cat among lots of nervous panicky dogs but you were always calm as long as you were with your mum. You were always a bit weary of men and my husband had to work the hardest for your love but when he started picking you up from your vet appointments you realized he was taking care of you as well and you both developed this routine where only he was allowed to brush and groom you. Every time when I was sick you'd sit with me, day and night and watch over me. 

I had always known that I would hold you when you die and I would thank you for everything you've given me. I'm glad I got to be with you in your last moment. But it wasn't peaceful. You were so afraid and in so much pain. I cannot forget how much you suffered that last night when I held you and neither of us slept and you could hardly breath. The tumor in your brain that made your eye bulge and your nose bleed had burst and I had to wait until the morning to release you from your suffering. I remember every second of that horrible day and it haunts me every night. I knew what I had to do for you but I never imagined and never considered what I would do afterwards without you. I wonder where you are and where all the love you had is gone to. I wonder what to do with that tiny bag of grey ashes they gave me that apparently contains your whole life. 14 years. All your beautiful stripes. Gone. And I have to live without you.